I am back two days from my magical Nepali adventure.
I bow-ed to the Gods who decided that my internet connection
would never sustain a full upload of a blog post. Instead I told that tale with
pictures and now am back for the next step and again..
the Gods are in charge.
Returned from a most provident journey of laughter and companionship.
Of elephants and pashmina's and the serenity of the top of the world.
Annapurna range and the scent of the Himalyas rising out of dreams and
majesty that are too real to really describe. Everyone has seen the images .
And me too.. but the scent of stillness is so enormous.
And the deep and abiding beauty of the hearts
of the many people I met in Nepal
stays with me. I don't think there was anyone,
young, old, east, west, rich or poor
who turned aside without a direct connection, a smile from the eyes
and a namaste greeting. A slight bow, hands together. A smile the dart from heart to heart.
Now I am back in New York.
So eager I have been to create HOME once again.
Buying a beautiful town house I have been waiting for the move in day
I needed to rent the house til I could move in this summer and in my naivete
have believed that I have found ease and home and easy beauty once again.
The reward at the end of a difficult cycle of healing.
There have been dark shadows. from the start.
I have chosen to see them.. and still do, as
the wages necessary for the transformation and re-establishment of
HOME. A place where I can settle and root and give and receive beauty once again.
I continue to look at that. The wages of want. Hmm.
The purchase was easy, the home historical and divine.
Straight from the fantasy of some life I have lived one time or another.
I needed to rent it for two years to comply with tax codes but renters did not appear
at first, so I gamely furnished the place hoping to rent it to passing artists..
got the furniture , set it up. even had a short term tenan readyt and lo and behond,
a breathless family appeared needing a home, having the right look. So beautiful, though rushed--
she quieter and tough, hiding secrets. He ruling roosts with vacant eyes and a remnant kindness.
They were new back to the States. Creative. Hopeful. Needing a break I thought,
I trusted the universe and sold the furniture , said no to the artists said yes to their rental.
The perfect family to keep my home warm for me.
We agreed on an 18 month lease. Papers were signed,
vows were exchanged, furniture moved in, kids put in school, dogs purchased and
community meetings launched.
How lucky am I to have these beautiful people
hold my space for me. thought I.
But now, when it is time for both of us to take the next step,
the same desperation that brought them too me is
making them cleave too deeply, grasp too violently and fortress themselves in fear.
They are refusing to move from this beautiful home
which i wanted to share with them for a while.
They now squatting in place, maybe forcing me to evict them.
Them taking the love and security they found there and mistaking it for theirs.
Every day their fear makes their nails grow and roots them complicit with rotting roots and their terror at being able to make their way in the world.
The practicalities of return from Nepal
the food poisoning, the respiratory infection,
the two days in the humidity lying abed while others packed me up at exorbitant prices.
Now, a hotel room for two weeks at least,
storage for things, costs doubled, future uncertain,
finances open... and so it goes. And each moment comes and goes.
Lessons abound these days about refusing to live in fear.
The desperation of grasping at things to define and secure
a rocky universal energy grid.
So, yes, this is what my home has become for that family,
A place to grasp as theirs.. though it is not..
a place to define and secure themselves against their own fears.
which it is not.
It is inconvenient for me but desperate for them.
So, I send them hope. Possibility. Confidence that they can build their own lives,
and not have to poison the possibility of home for me now.
Whatever lesson is mine will be mine and I do not fear it.
Just open my heart more and more, send them love and hope,
pray that their toxic terror will not pickle the walls and ghost the stairways.
I wish them release.
I may have to fight to insure that release. They may need that and it is my job.
I will not pick up their bloody talons nor the flop sweat that they wrap themselves in
justifying their sadness, and the inability to care for themselves in the world.
Ah me. We so understand that.
I will do what is necessary to restore balance,
pry away the violent grasping.. everyone's...
try to help avoid more violent piercings
Lessons all round on this one.
I will do what needs to be done and then see if I have found HOME at last.
I bow-ed to the Gods who decided that my internet connection
would never sustain a full upload of a blog post. Instead I told that tale with
pictures and now am back for the next step and again..
the Gods are in charge.
Returned from a most provident journey of laughter and companionship.
Of elephants and pashmina's and the serenity of the top of the world.
Annapurna range and the scent of the Himalyas rising out of dreams and
majesty that are too real to really describe. Everyone has seen the images .
And me too.. but the scent of stillness is so enormous.
And the deep and abiding beauty of the hearts
of the many people I met in Nepal
stays with me. I don't think there was anyone,
young, old, east, west, rich or poor
who turned aside without a direct connection, a smile from the eyes
and a namaste greeting. A slight bow, hands together. A smile the dart from heart to heart.
Now I am back in New York.
So eager I have been to create HOME once again.
Buying a beautiful town house I have been waiting for the move in day
I needed to rent the house til I could move in this summer and in my naivete
have believed that I have found ease and home and easy beauty once again.
The reward at the end of a difficult cycle of healing.
There have been dark shadows. from the start.
I have chosen to see them.. and still do, as
the wages necessary for the transformation and re-establishment of
HOME. A place where I can settle and root and give and receive beauty once again.
I continue to look at that. The wages of want. Hmm.
The purchase was easy, the home historical and divine.
Straight from the fantasy of some life I have lived one time or another.
I needed to rent it for two years to comply with tax codes but renters did not appear
at first, so I gamely furnished the place hoping to rent it to passing artists..
got the furniture , set it up. even had a short term tenan readyt and lo and behond,
a breathless family appeared needing a home, having the right look. So beautiful, though rushed--
she quieter and tough, hiding secrets. He ruling roosts with vacant eyes and a remnant kindness.
They were new back to the States. Creative. Hopeful. Needing a break I thought,
I trusted the universe and sold the furniture , said no to the artists said yes to their rental.
The perfect family to keep my home warm for me.
We agreed on an 18 month lease. Papers were signed,
vows were exchanged, furniture moved in, kids put in school, dogs purchased and
community meetings launched.
How lucky am I to have these beautiful people
hold my space for me. thought I.
But now, when it is time for both of us to take the next step,
the same desperation that brought them too me is
making them cleave too deeply, grasp too violently and fortress themselves in fear.
They are refusing to move from this beautiful home
which i wanted to share with them for a while.
They now squatting in place, maybe forcing me to evict them.
Them taking the love and security they found there and mistaking it for theirs.
Every day their fear makes their nails grow and roots them complicit with rotting roots and their terror at being able to make their way in the world.
The practicalities of return from Nepal
the food poisoning, the respiratory infection,
the two days in the humidity lying abed while others packed me up at exorbitant prices.
Now, a hotel room for two weeks at least,
storage for things, costs doubled, future uncertain,
finances open... and so it goes. And each moment comes and goes.
Lessons abound these days about refusing to live in fear.
The desperation of grasping at things to define and secure
a rocky universal energy grid.
So, yes, this is what my home has become for that family,
A place to grasp as theirs.. though it is not..
a place to define and secure themselves against their own fears.
which it is not.
It is inconvenient for me but desperate for them.
So, I send them hope. Possibility. Confidence that they can build their own lives,
and not have to poison the possibility of home for me now.
Whatever lesson is mine will be mine and I do not fear it.
Just open my heart more and more, send them love and hope,
pray that their toxic terror will not pickle the walls and ghost the stairways.
I wish them release.
I may have to fight to insure that release. They may need that and it is my job.
I will not pick up their bloody talons nor the flop sweat that they wrap themselves in
justifying their sadness, and the inability to care for themselves in the world.
Ah me. We so understand that.
I will do what is necessary to restore balance,
pry away the violent grasping.. everyone's...
try to help avoid more violent piercings
Lessons all round on this one.
I will do what needs to be done and then see if I have found HOME at last.
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